Wednesday, 14 May 2008

The 'so-called minor crimes' of Boris Johnson

"I think there is a vital necessity to drive out so-called minor crime and disorder as a way of driving out more serious crime." Boris Johnson 2008
The news that Boris Johnson was caught going through six red lights on his bike received little comment from here or elsewhere. The fact that he did so just days into his role as our representative to the world was also met with little surprise. The story received a collective 'meh' from Londoners. 'Hey what do you expect?' we seemed to be saying. 'The guys a clown. We knew that. We voted him in anyway.'

However, as Boris himself points out, we cannot afford to be complacent on these matters. We must drive the so-called minor crime out of town lest the major crime should think it's welcome too. Now the first step to expurgation is explication, so let us list the alleged so-called minor crimes of Boris Johnson:

  1. Vandalism: While at Oxford University our Mayor was part of the notorious Bullingdon Club. The ritual activity of the club was to smash up peoples restaurants and then sling cash through the swinging door.
  2. Theft: On a visit to Baghdad, our Mayor stole an item from the home of Tariq Aziz. He branded the investigation of this minor crime a "monumental waste of taxpayer's money." Oh come on Boris, that's not the attitude.
  3. Failure to declare donations: Our Mayor failed to declare £250,000 worth of campaign donations from business interests. "An oversight" apparently.
  4. Conspiracy to commit GBH: In a phone call to his friend and best man the convicted fraudster Darius Guppy, Boris Johnson agreed to find the address of a journalist so that he could be beaten up by Guppy. "I'm not ashamed of it" said Boris.
  5. Wreckless Driving: Our Mayor was caught going through six red lights and endangering the lives of other road users and pedestrians. Caught by a journalist from the Mirror, the Mayor said: "I will be more careful in the future". Now that's more like it Boris ;)

As Londoners we must unite and stay vigilant against the scourge of so-called minor crime. So have you seen any more of Boris' minor crimes. If so, contact my Minor-Crime hotline. Together we can stamp it out.


Anonymous said...

Well the jokes he rolled out in the campaign were a crime against comedy, that's for sure. I must have heard that one about the European Space agency at least a dozen times on the campaign trail. It didn't get funnier the more times you heard it, strangely enough.

The Tory Troll said...

'the campaign trail'? You weren't one of his unfortunate aides were you?

Anonymous said...

As to Vandalism - have you any evidence that Boris Johnson vandalised anything at all? Has there been any prosecution or conviction?

As to Theft - is there any evidence of dishonest intent? Has there been any prosecution or conviction?

As to Conspiracy to commit GBH - any evidence beyond the tape? Was the address provided? If not, where is the completion of the conspiracy? Any conviction? Any prosecution?

The failure to declare donations has been dealt with by the appropriate body - and involved no crime. No conviction, no prosecution.

As to reckless driving {sic - don't you mean cycling) - take the photos to the met and ask them to investigate and prosecute.

The Tory Troll said...

As to vandalism- well joining the Bullingdon and not indulging in vandalism is a bit like joining the Conservatives and not being a smug bore - it's part of the package.

As to theft - he admits taking the item from someone elses property. A minor crime admittedly, but we must crack down on these as Boris says.

As to GBH - he agreed to it and he's not ashamed of it. in fact from his performance on hignfy he seemed pretty proud of it. I don't think he needs your defence on that.

As to the donations - not technically a crime admittedly, but a serious breach of the rules established to prevent corruption. Again, only minor but we must crack down on these things.

As to the reckless cycling - 'take the photos to the met' Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. Maybe you shouldn't take this all seriously Evan. Your man got caught out. Join in the fun.

Anonymous said...

Accusing someone of criminal activity, even in a blog is not really a matter of fun ... it is capable of being defamatory and you need to be more careful.

Expressing an opinion about alleged hypocrisy is fine ... but you have gone further and said that he is guilty of offences.

Agreeing to supply information that could give rise to an offence but then failing to do so would be a complete defence to a charge of conspiracy to commit GBH ... so the claim is wrong.

In relation to the cigar case, there is no evidence and BJ has not admitted that he dishonestly intended to take the item ... in the circumstances in which it was removed, as something discarded during a war, it would be very difficult to prove that dishonest intent existed. Not saying impossible and not saying that the defence would succeed ... merely that the theft is not admitted nor, on the basis of what is available to us, proved.

Again, joining a club doesn't prove anything ... even that I am a smug bore.

The rules in relation to party funding and political donations are daft and do not achieve anything like preventing corruption ... I can think of at least 3 ways in which what you and I would consider corrupt would not be caught by the law as it currently stands ... and I won't say what they are for fear of putting ideas into the minds of some of the less salubrious members of any of the political parties.

What I take seriously is when the allegations go further than they ought ... I'm not proposing to take any action as I haven't been libelled; but others may be less forgiving. Be a little cautious about what you claim ...

The Tory Troll said...

Your objections are duly noted.

BritSwedeGuy said...

Excellent stuff - ever thought about a job on the Evening Standard?
Oh, they don't employ journalists though, do they...