"I think there is a vital necessity to drive out so-called minor crime and disorder as a way of driving out more serious crime." Boris Johnson 2008
The news that Boris Johnson was caught going through six red lights on his bike received little comment from here or elsewhere. The fact that he did so just days into his role as our representative to the world was also met with little surprise. The story received a collective 'meh' from Londoners. 'Hey what do you expect?' we seemed to be saying. 'The guys a clown. We knew that. We voted him in anyway.'
However, as Boris himself points out, we cannot afford to be complacent on these matters. We must drive the so-called minor crime out of town lest the major crime should think it's welcome too. Now the first step to expurgation is explication, so let us list the alleged so-called minor crimes of Boris Johnson:
- Vandalism: While at Oxford University our Mayor was part of the notorious Bullingdon Club. The ritual activity of the club was to smash up peoples restaurants and then sling cash through the swinging door.
- Theft: On a visit to Baghdad, our Mayor stole an item from the home of Tariq Aziz. He branded the investigation of this minor crime a "monumental waste of taxpayer's money." Oh come on Boris, that's not the attitude.
- Failure to declare donations: Our Mayor failed to declare £250,000 worth of campaign donations from business interests. "An oversight" apparently.
- Conspiracy to commit GBH: In a phone call to his friend and best man the convicted fraudster Darius Guppy, Boris Johnson agreed to find the address of a journalist so that he could be beaten up by Guppy. "I'm not ashamed of it" said Boris.
- Wreckless Driving: Our Mayor was caught going through six red lights and endangering the lives of other road users and pedestrians. Caught by a journalist from the Mirror, the Mayor said: "I will be more careful in the future". Now that's more like it Boris ;)
As Londoners we must unite and stay vigilant against the scourge of so-called minor crime. So have you seen any more of Boris' minor crimes. If so, contact my Minor-Crime hotline. Together we can stamp it out.