The Evening Standard will today launch an ad campaign apologising to Londoners for being such a bunch of vindictive, out of touch, snotty-nosed, misery-bags.
The move follows research commissioned by the paper's new editor which shows that Londoners would overwhelmingly prefer to burn in hell than ever read their grotty rag again.
According to Standard and Guardian columnist Roy Greenslade:
"The market research evidently discovered that Londoners considered the paper to be too negative, not celebratory enough and guilty of failing to cater for the capital's needs. A great city with great facilities was being persistently talked down."Greig's response to the findings was to deal with them head on. He takes the view that the only possible way to win back readers who have deserted, and attract new ones, is to be honest and admit to previous failings."
The adverts, which will run on the paper's hated bus and tube network, come ahead of a full relaunch of the title on May 11th.
Advertising slogans are expected to include "Sorry for losing touch," "Sorry for being negative," "Sorry for taking you for granted," "Sorry for being complacent," and "Sorry for being predictable."
The campaign will be seen as a slap in the face for despised former editor Veronica Wadley and pet cat Andrew Gilligan, under whose miserable reign the paper hemorrhaged Londoner's remaining respect.
Meanwhile, the decision to talk up London and its people is thought to have been greeted with the sound of loud cheers from the eighth floor of City Hall.
"Sorry for being complacent" photo taken by @robblemitchell