Boris Johnson on last week's leader's debate:
"Watching that debate, I had the clear impression that Cameron aced every question. His answers were clear, concise and knowledgeable, and in my focus group of 12- to 16-year-olds he was the overwhelming winner. "David Cameron knows more than the others," said the 12-year-old, "and everything he says is true!"
I suddenly have a vision of how Boris's policies are decided.
"As for Clegg, I remember thinking that it was indeed a historic debate – the moment when the idea of a third force in British politics finally shrivelled under the Manchester TV lights. He was by far the worst, with many of his answers seeming to be semi-masticated versions of something Cameron had already said."
By far the worst? Come on Boris, not even CCHQ tried to spin that one.
"And so you can imagine my amazement when those polls started to come in, and the news that the punters overwhelmingly scored it for Cleggie. It was one of those times when there seems to be only one solution to the problems of British politics, and that is to dissolve the electorate and summon a new one."
Yep, the plebs won't vote the way you've told them. Jolly bad show what?
"I can't think of anything worse for this country than some great ghastly soggy Lib-Lab coalition, dripping with piety and political correctness and unable to take the decisions we need for fear of offending the vast hordes of public sector special interest groups they collectively represent."
So much for our unifying centrist Mayor.
"That is why the current madness cannot last. The Lib Dems are everywhere today, like the orange spores of an exploded puffball. Next week they will be gone with the wind"
What a spectacularly patronising, head-in-the-sand piece. Was this really the best they could come up with?